Updated: Jan 5, 2022
“It is only when there is no goal and no rush that the human senses are fully open to receive the world.” — Alan Watts
We do everything fast in our daily lives. We shovel our food down without so much tasting it. We rush from one meeting to another barely connecting with co-workers beyond the most superficial connections. We pass our partners in our homes and never stop to make eye contact or share anything other than a quick hug or kiss, if that. When we do make time for sex, our packed schedules make sure we get to it fast and finish quickly. Ten minutes later, sex is forgotten as we move onto the next thing. No wonder so many couples share that their sex lives feel empty and unexciting. No wonder so many women lose interest in sex over time.
Being busy is a fact of life for many people, yet even the busiest of people find time to waste scrolling through social media posts or videos, or binge-watching shows on Netflix. Time is available: we simply tend to use it in ways other than connecting deeply with our partners forgetting that time spent connecting deeply with our partners is time well-spent. It increases goodwill in the relationship, our sense of being loved, intimacy, connectedness, tenderness and more.
When it comes to sex, fast favors the partner who feels arousal more quickly, usually (but not always) the male partner. Men are yang energy: quick to burn, quick to burn out. Women are yin energy: slow to ignite, yet once lit, burn long and hot. It behooves the male partner to learn to slow down, to cultivate her arousal in a playful dance, rather than to try to force her to match his pace (or worse, to ignore her needs altogether). It serves both partners to recognize this key difference in arousal and to work and play together to savor slow, sensual full-body touch before moving to genital touch.
Here’s a suggestion.
At least once a week, schedule a sex date, with a concurrent commitment that both partners will show up on time and available, mentally, emotionally, and physically. All devices get turned off and stay off! If you’re someone who needs time to mentally prepare for intimacy, commit to stopping your activities up to an hour before your sex date and use this transition time to get in the head space to connect. Transition time can be done together—sitting and sharing in connective conversation, having a glass of wine—or solo, with an activity like taking a bath or reading erotica. Before your date, prepare your room: make the bed with fresh sheets; light candles or use diffusers to scent the air with essential oils.
At the time of your date, lay down facing one another. Begin by placing your hands on one another’s hearts and gazing into one another’s eyes. Drop into being exquisitely present with one another. The world will turn without you for 1-2 hours. Agree to keep touch light and sensual for at least twenty minutes, stroking one another all over—except for genitals. Take turns so each of you gets to experience the fullness of sensual touch—it’s a gift we rarely allow ourselves! Explore one another’s bodies all over with attention and fascination. With your fingertips, be aware of textures, temperatures, and sensitive places that get overlooked when sex is rushed. During this time, kiss--slowly, deeply. Explore the exquisite sensitivity of your lover's lips.
Only after a long, slow warm up should you begin touching breasts and genitals. Keep the touch slow, soft and sensual. Build the heat of the yin energy even more!
For partners who are able to play in this field of sensual energy, they learn something amazing: the more time a woman’s arousal is nurtured, the hotter she gets, the more she opens sexually, the hotter her passion burns and the deeper she experiences orgasm. Men also come to value sensual touch—a kind of touch not often valued in male sexuality. There are many ways to practice slow sex--this is just a starting point!
Slow down. Give slow sex a try. Evoke passion—nothing forced. You could just be amazed!